writing

Running Nowhere, Going Home

I wanted to run.

I wanted to run as fast as I could, as far as I could, for as long as I could. I couldn’t stand another moment in this life, let alone a forever in it. For the first time in a long time, all the pain, all the needing and longing came back to me, and I wanted to grab onto it and let it take me wherever it wanted as long as it was far from here. I don’t even know where I am. I don’t want to know, I think I would be better off just pushing forward.

Forward.

I liked that word. It symbolized productivity, progress, and everything that my life seemed to be void of. I wanted to move forward. Yet every time I took I step I felt like I was moving in the opposite direction. Even though I kept going forward, putting one foot in front of the other, I felt as if the sand beneath my feet shifted so that I was farther from wherever it was I was going. Looking back was dangerous, as the second I faced away from the waves they disappeared. Then I was in a forest, and the moon had never been so bright before in the solemn darkness of the chilly night. I couldn’t see my own hands in front of my face but somehow, I saw yours in the full moon. I saw your beautiful freckles in the stars and your grey eyes in those of the owl that cooed softly above me. As your arms wrapped around me in the vines of the trees, I felt at home. I still wanted to run; I moved my feet as fast as they would go, but I could not even register the loud crunch of the leaves beneath me as you lifted me upon your wings.

Please, I thought to myself, I need to go, I need to move forward, I won’t get there in time if you don’t let me go. Please just let me go.

I wanted to call out into the cold night air but I couldn’t find my voice. You plunged me into the water and soon, the vines became heavy anchors attached to my feet. I couldn’t run anymore. There was nowhere to go; I was trapped, yet a part of me wanted to be there. Taking a breath, I closed my eyes and hoped that, for once, I would finally be at home.

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