self letters

Dear Self-Doubt Pt. 2

Jennifer,

 

I notice all your flaws every single day; the amount of things wrong with you is getting a little out of hand, don’t you think? Let me tell you the worst ones, and we can worry about the little ones later on (it’s not like there are going anywhere):

 

  1. Have you ever noticed how terrible you are at talking to people in public? Do you remember that time you told that cute guy that you were strong enough to fight your own battles? What about all those times you rambled at work and said all those embarrassing things? Maybe you should just never talk to people. You are probably never going to make friends because of how awkward you are. It’s okay though because you won’t be alone, you’ll have me.
  2. Your thighs were touching when you were walking the other day. Maybe you should lay off the carbs for a while.
  3. Speaking of carbs, how can you eat so much when you don’t deserve it? You keep allowing yourself weekly cheat meals, but you haven’t even earned them. Maybe you should try doing something challenging in the gym before you let yourself go.
  4. Oh, and speaking of the gym, do you remember how confident you felt during your last workout? Well, I’m not letting that happen again. In fact, during your next workout, I am going to make you feel so insecure you’re going to cry in the bathroom, again. You don’t deserve a good workout, anyway.
  5. Your hair is always a big, frizzy mess.
  6. Do you remember when you tried on that outfit in Forever 21 and it made you feel confident and beautiful? Return it. I hate it. It shows your stomach, and the world doesn’t need to see that, honey.
  7. Your blog sucks. Stop trying to be a writer. You’ll never get enough views.
  8. You were really happy last week at your new school. I am going to invite my friend, anxiety, over for a party and we are going to think about how overwhelming school is.
  9. Speaking of school…. Don’t forget about how you are going to live the rest of your life in debt, drowning in student loans! Fun times!

 

I am going to stop there because I know you hate odd numbers! Guess what? You can’t change any of the things I mentioned. You are powerless to me and to yourself. You’ll never change. But it’s okay, I don’t like change anyway!

 

Have a great day! You don’t deserve it!

-Self-Doubt

 

————————————-

Dear Self-Doubt,

 

Some of those things may be true. I may be awkward and have crazy hair and have anxiety and be insecure at times. I may overeat and I may have my ups and downs. But I am smart enough to know that, although I have weaknesses, overall, I am strong. My thighs touch when I walk because they are powerful enough to squat weight more than my own. My blog may not be the best, but like me, it is a work in progress, and if you think I will let all that progress dissipate because of some pathetic self-doubt, you’ve got another thing coming.

Self-doubt, you are the greediest and most envious being I have ever encountered. You can’t keep me from going out. You can’t keep me from making improvements. My comfort zone is not a cage to which only you have the key. You have this expectation of me as a beautiful art piece in a famous gallery, and when you see who I really am, you become disappointed enough to stop painting. You try to mold me into this idea that I outgrew a long time ago, but, self-doubt, I am a dynamic masterpiece, constantly being remolded by experiences and knowledge. I may never have a final draft, but there’s no way in peanut butter that I am going to abandon my project all together.

I know I deserve better than you. Yet sometimes, I can’t help but bathe in the familiarity of your criticisms. I like that you want me, and that thought scares me. Sometimes, I let you keep me from going out or growing, and I believe you when you tell me how unworthy I am of progress. I will forever carry the scars and bruises you have gifted me with your words. But out of those marks, I will grow new and tougher skin.

I will grow courage.

I will evolve to be clever enough to maneuver around you, above you.

I will leave you in my dust.

You can bury me all you want, but don’t forget that I’m a seed.

 

-Jennifer

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