self letters

Dear Self-Doubt Pt. 1

Jennifer,

What the heck are you doing?

Why are you changing things and messing this up?

You keep telling me that this is all going to pay off in the end…but I can’t see it. Some days, if I squint hard enough, I try to convince myself that I can see the light, when in reality, I am so dizzy from this downward spiral, I don’t think I can ever get up and start again.

I am not going to let you take too many steps forward too fast. You don’t deserve it. You haven’t worked hard enough and you still sometimes get too comfortable with change. I don’t like change, so let’s keep stumbling back a little bit every time you leap. I am comfortable here, I don’t want to dig any deeper into the dark.

I’m so exhausted of trying to make improvements, so I am going to keep reminding you of how far you are from your goal. Maybe you’ll stop trying and I can finally breathe. You keep fighting me, and it is getting harder and harder to push back. You strike, I shrink. I strike back, and feel stronger once again. Sometimes, you fight me so hard I don’t think I am going to recover, but then I call on my friends and they help me to regain the darkness in your mind.

Give up, it is useless. You’re never going to make it where you think you are going, and even if you do, everyone is going to see you as the counterfeit you are. What’s the point?

Your friend,

Self-Doubt

——————————-

Dear Self Doubt,

SHUT UP

I AM STRONGER THAN YOU.

I’LL LAST LONGER THAN YOU.

I WILL OUTRUN YOU

OUTLIVE YOU

AND OUTGROW YOU

I will compete with you and continue to push back against you and your friends until I can no longer feel your arrows or hear your screams.

Because you are weak and I am forever getting stronger.

Thank you, though. For always pushing me to prove you wrong. For making me push harder, dig deeper, and be tougher than I was yesterday. Thanks for fueling my fire. One day, it’s going to be all encompassing and I’ll be so high up, I won’t even be able to hear you anymore. You won’t reach me. I’ll get there one day, and for now, your words will be the firewood that once was the strong and sturdy trunk of a tree, but now crumbles to ash in the face of my flaming intensity.

Scared? I would be, too.

Have fun trying and failing,

Jennifer

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